Although we desire only positive experiences in life, it is inevitable that we will also encounter difficult times. These challenges, however, are not without purpose. They can serve as valuable opportunities for self-discovery that can lead to emotional maturity and spiritual growth. The extent of maturity and growth often corresponds to the severity of the situation we face. We learn to be patient, courageous, compassionate and thruthful through the pain we go through.
1. When things don’t go your way
Don’t be all right
Can you sit still with difficult emotions? Rather than trying to quickly escape from them, are you able to allow them to stay with you and witness how they unfold in your mind?
This goes against our instincts to avoid uncomfortable feelings by any means possibe. But for a minute or two, I encourage you to go against your instincts, and let those difficult feelings flow in the space of your mind. For instance, be curious about what would happen if you were to allow a sense of disappointment, sadness, or hurt to linger. Instead of judging yourself for having such feelings, or trying to divert your attention by watching a TV show or surfing the Internet, what if you face them directly and observe unpleasant feelings without any prejudice or resistance?
So instead of pressuring himself to feel better, the author decided to give himself permission to not be all right. He asked himself to embrace these difficult feelings and see this moment exactly as it was. He allowed himself to feel what was actually there, rather than trying to change it or running away from it.
When he made space for unprocessed emotions, he was soon able to notice the energy of rage in his body. It was like an intense fire, particularly around his chest and throat. He screamed in his room, and further expressed this rage through writing in a journal, therapeutic dancing, mountain climbing, and talking to trusted friends. After honoring his anger for a month or two, he allowed himself to feel deep grief and sorrow, to respect the part of him that felt like it had just died. He let all of the emotions that had been bottled up inside of him pour out in a torrent of tears. Eventually, after going through periods of rage, solitude, and tears, he found himself confronting the root of his emotions: fear. In his journal, he asked his fear what I was afraid of. At first, he answered, “I am afraid of not being able to provide for those who have been dependent on me, like my aging parents, my godson, my assiatnts, my staff members, and their families.” Then he asked again what he was really afraid of. After a moment of silence, he has a sudden flashback from his childhood while he was writing. He was a little boy desperately looking for his mom in a big open market. At last, he understood why he had had the fear of abandonment all along.
Things don’t often happen in our lives like we have hoped. When we encounter unfavourable outcomes, we often experience difficult emotions. If this is happening to us right now, no matter how overwhelming and terrifying it is, we can weather the storm. We are stronger than we feel right now and wiser than we believe.
Once you make time and space for your emotions, we will be able to process them easily and ask important questions such as “What am I feeling now?” “What are my emotions trying to tell me?” and “What did I learn from my experience?”. When we pose these questions with curiousity, rather than with judgement, we will come to see deeper truths about ourselves.
This process will help us to remain collected and respond wisely instead of reacting impulsively. We get to redefine who we truly are by the way we respond to a setback. Remember that the greatest stories are not the ones where everything goes smoothly, as expected; there are always the ones about overcoming hardship and bouncing back from failure.
The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
Nelson Mandela
Pain teaches life lessons, pleasure doesn’t.
Processing emotions means making sense of one’s feelings by acknowledging their presence and understanding the cause. As a result, one find healthy ways to cope with them rather than being unconsciously controlled by them.
Don’t be easily offended, as what others say is often just a reflection of their own feelings and limited experiences, rather than an objective assessment of you.
When you judge another, you do not define them.
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
You define yourself.
As you habitually talk about other people’s problems, you get stuck in that vibrational frequency, attracting those problems to your own life.
The only way to avoid criticism is to do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.
Elbert Hubbard
Don’t seek validation from others.
Instead, take the journey of self-discovery and let yourself be your own validator.
Reflect on your accomplishments and strengths, appreciate your kindness and creativity, and understand your true needs and values.
Develop a sense of self-worth that is independent of other’s opinions.
The flaws that you see so frequently in others are actually your inner conflicts and unwanted traits, existing in the shadow of your unconsciousness.
Unless you bring them to light and accept them as part of you, those annoying people won’t disappear from your life.
By accepting things as they are, resistance subsides and peace emerges.
In that experience, there is no separate “1” that stands apart and experiences peace.
“I” is never needed in peace.
“I” disappears in peace.
Why are we unhappy?
We are unhappy because we can’t find peace with what is. We wish things to be different from what is happening at that moment. If we see something attractive or pleasant, our mind cannot remain calm. Rather, it is drawn toward the new object, wants to stay close to it and wishes to engage with it. If possible, we want to possess it completely and use it as we desire. The Buddha described this kind of mental pursuit as “grasping”.
Conversely, if we perceive something to be disagreeable or unpleasant, our mind wants to run away and avoid contact with it for as long as we can. If we must encounter it, we try to do so as briefly as possible. Unlike the grasping mind, the mind in this state is “resisting..” The longer we resist, the more intolerable the situation becomes. We grow increasingly anxious and even angry since we can’t walk away from it. Modern psychologists call this mental resistance “stress.” When stressed, we are almost always resisting something — be it a person, object, or situation.
Then what is the true cause of our frequent unhappiness? The real culprit, in his opinion, is constant mental activity toward objects. As long as a mind swings back and forth — grasping for something you don’t have and resisting something you already have — it will remain in a perpetual state of struggle and busyness. It will find a current situation subtly, or not so subtly, unsatisfying or problematic. Such a mind is often tensed and lacking relaxed openness, acceptance and self-awareness. If it doesn’t turn inward and become aware of its habitual tendency to move away from a given situation, a mind will continue to jump from one object to the next — always blaming external things for its inner discomfort. Such a mind also demands that a person, object, or situation change to accommodate its preference since, according to this mind, the desired change is not just a better and sensible alternative but also the right course of action.
The mind is an intermediary agent, interpreting how we feel about what is happening in the world around us. A raw experience is neither inherently good nor bad. It just is. Yet our minds are quick to judge and then interpret something as either pleasant or unpleasant. Not surprisingly, the same raw experience can be interpreted quite differently from person to person as each individual has been uniquely conditioned depending upon their past experiences.
If this is indeed the case, what can we do to make our minds feel at peace and content, instead of ceaselessly grasping and resisting? Are there any practices with which we can better regulate our emotions and find equanimity and acceptance? The most well-known practice for countering the mind’s tendency to wander is gratitude. When we feel thankful, we usually don’t think about what we don’t have, or what we could have. This diminishes the mind’s grasping tendency to want something else. At the same time, a grateful mind is open and receptive, so the resisting tendency of disliking what is here is also diminished. As we become glad about what has happened in the past and grateful for what we already have right now, our mind becomes calm and peaceful, unlike a resisting mind that is often full of critical thoughts, complaints, or arguments. When our heart is filled with thankfulness, there is little to no room for such negative thoughts.
When we practice gratitude, we can acknowledge not only what we are fortunate enough to have, including health, a job, a home, clothes, nice weather, and so on, but also what others have provided for us to maintain our good lives. The more we practice gratitude, the more we will come to appreciate and be thankful for the things we have.
Another way to counteract the mind’s restless tendency is to wholeheartedly welcome unhappy experiences. Since our emotional well-being is primarily determined not so much by the present situation but rather our response to it, we can reduce our suffering by intentionally switching from the impulse to resist to a welcoming attitude. Rather than thinking that those uncomfortable situations shouldn’t be here, as if they were anomalies, we should include them as a part of our everyday default settings. Instead of praying that difficult situations never arise, we should not only expect to experience them but also welcome them. That way, when they occur, we won’t feel surprised or even upset because we know that they are and always will be part and parcel of our lives.
As for actual practices, while brushing your teeth or washing your face in the morning, spend one minute telling your mind a few times, “Bring on discomfort! I will accept you gladly.” Having primed your mind to anticipate an uncomfortable situation early on, and having made your intention to accept it clear, you will be ready when you actually run into it. When that uncomfortable situation arises, count backward — “three, two, one” — and march right into it without any hesitation.
We can also have a more accepting relationship with unhappiness by reminding ourselves that the universe wants us to grow from the pain of unhappy experiences. When every situation is agreeable and pleasant, we have no reason to grow into a more mature version of ourselves. Only when we move out of our comfort zone and find ourselves in the space of unfamiliarity and discomfort do we begin to learn and expand intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Instead of turning away from our wounds, we should examine them closely and discover the hidden light of gratitude, acceptance, and wisdom.
What if the path to happiness is not bringing order to the mess of our lives, but instead relaxing amid the mess and rejoicing in its aliveness and beauty?
“Neither hinder those who seek to come, nor grasp those who wish to leave.”
By embracing an attitude of acceptance, we can avoid needless heartaches and wasted efforts, and instead, find peace in the natural flow of life.
When you are struggling, notice that it is not the situation itself but your psychological resistance to it that causes your pain. You can ease this resistance by imagining that the given situation was actually your choice. Believe that it was part of your soul’s plan for growth. And then observe what happens.
When people accept themselves just as they are, they are more likely to change for the better.
Until then, they remain defensive, resist feedback, and rationalize why they cannot change.
To let go does not mean to get rid of.
To let go means to let be.
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
Edwin Hubbell Chapin
Just as we take a daily vitamin supplement, let’s take the potent “gratitude pill” by counting our blessings every morning. It will shield us from negative emotions, boost our physical health, enhance our relationships, and uplift our spirits.
How do we feel about the universe?
Don’t feel perplexed if you are not sure how you truly feel about the universe. It is quite possible for your mind to like the idea that it is abundant and benevolent while your gut is feeling quite the opposite way. Whatever feeling you have about the universe is important because it will determine not only your general outlook on life and human relationships but also how easily you will be able to navigate a difficult time.
The formation of this feeling has a lot to do with how we were raised as children, and how people in general were treated in our community.
Ultimately, this is a choice we need to make. We can decide what kind of universe we would like to live in. Buddhism teaches that each individual experiences an entirel different kind of universe based on that person’s state of mind. As we engage in more benevolent thoughts and acts, we will naturally experience a more benevolent universe. The opposite is also true.
2. When your heart is aching
Please reject me gently!
First, there is no need to take rejection personally. Each person has unique tastes and preferences shaped by their own history. Those things were already formed long before meeting you. Therefore, if people reject you, it has much to do with their experiences and individual tastes. In addition, people subconsciously prefer what they are familiar with. Even if you are objectively the best candidate as a lover, friend, or employee, you won’t be liked if you appear unfamiliar. This, however, doesn’t diminish your value and self-worth. You are still talented, kind, and likable. All your good qualities are still there. It simply means that you and the person who rejected you are not the right match for each other.
Second, ask yourself whether you haven’t rejected some people in your own life. Haven’t you declined an offer to go out on a date with someone? Haven’t you broken someone’s heart? Haven’t you blocked certain people on social media? It is ridiculous to expect that everyone you like will always like you back. It is simply impossible.
Third, rejection can be a distressing experience that can leave us feeling unwanted and undervalued. When we experience rejection, it is important to surround ourselves with people who appreciate and love us. There is a saying in Korean that “Joy shared doubles the joy while sorrow shared halves the sorrow.”
Take time to reflect on your experiences and continue to move forward. When you encounter rejection, allow yourself to process your emotions and regain your composure. Then, take a moment to think about what we can learn from the experience as there is no better teacher than real-life situations. Internalise the lessons you learn and apply them to your next opportunity. Remember that finding the right path may require many attempts. It may take much trial and error. But if you regard rejection as an opportunity to grow, you will eventually find the path that works for you and arrive at a destination you will content with.
Don’t be discouraged by rejection: an even better path may lie ahead.
What may seem like a setback often turns out to be a blessing in disguise.
If you could go back ten years and offer one piece of advice to your younger self, it would probably be something like:
“Don’t worry, it will all work out.”
Now listen to the same advice from your future self:
“Trust me, no need to worry. It did all work out.”
They rejected only your application. They didn’t reject you as a person. They made that decision because it wasn’t suitable for their unique circumstances; it wasn’t a reflection of you.
One thing that you must avoid if you want to achieve great success: following others blindly without developing your own style and approach.
One thing that you must avoid when you have already succeeded: arrogance.
He who is overconfident in his abilities believes that he can do things even better than the experts. In extreme cases, he even tries to teach the experts. This is a grave mistake, and a foolish thing to do.
In life, we sometimes find ourselves in a situation where there is nothing much we can do for our loved one in pain. At times like this, try to maintain a tranquil outlook instead of losing your mind in sadness and despair. Your calm gaze will be a source of great strength to that person.
When parents pass away, and their wealth is divided among children, if you are not careful, you can cause a lot of hurt and misunderstanding.
What would your deceased parents say if they found out that their children had stopped talking to one another because of the inheritance?
May you have the wisdom to know how to curb your greed and live the rest of your life not estranged but on good terms with your siblings.
Spring days are gone
First, give each other plenty of space.
Second, openly communicate about each other’s expectations, particularly when it comes to living arrangements and finances.
Third, living with someone else means you may need to adjust your daily routine to live harmoniously.
Last, learn to raise an issue respectfully if your roommate or partner upsets you.
In the process of getting close to people, you are bound to have some disagreement with them. Rather than running away at the first sign of conflict, talk about the disagreement and try to reconcile the differences. If you do, your relationship will take deeper roots.
My jealousy, my suffering
When I become mindful of feeling jealous of someone, I realize that it is never someone vastly different from me, but always someone I can relate to.
Jealous emotions may range from simple envy to anger or even violence, depending on their intensity. This often occurs when we concentrate on a narrow aspect of someone’s life, like their possessions, skills, or appearance, and overlook the full picture.
The heaven often blesses those with great potential by providing them with a rival who appears to surpass them.
If we resist the temptation to succumb to jealousy and instead use it as motivation to improve ourselves, we may eventually come to the realization that the person who sparked the jealousy was, in fact, the greatest contributor to our success.
3. When feeling burned out and joyless
SBCH: “Small but certain happiness”
The idea of small but certain happiness suggests that we should look for joy and happiness in little things that we do every day.
People have come to realize that happiness does not have to depend on many years of struggle and hardship; instead, it comes down to knowing how to appreciate the life that you have been given in this moment. It implies that there can be an infinite amount of happiness outside of the standardized conventions as each individual gets to decide where their own happiness lies. In other words, happiness is readily available if we are willing to slow down and pay attention to appreciate what is already in front of us.
The world has enough for everyone’s need, but not enough for everyone’s greed.
Mahatma Gandhi
If I focus on the things I do not have now, my life becomes one of lack. But if I focus on the things I already have, my life becomes one of gratitude.
Where is your querencia?
Do you have your very own place of refuge? It is a place where you can be by yourself, catch your breath and spend a quiet period of healing when life is wearing you down.
We human beings desire meaning and purpose in our lives. True meaning is more easily discovered not through the pursuit of personal gain, but through serving others. When our life has been of help to someone, we begin to feel the meaning and purpose of our own existence.
You can find yourself by losing yourself in the service of others.
Herman Harrell Horne
When times are hard because things aren’t going your way, or you are frustrated because you can’t see the solution to a problem, create some good karma by engaging in a small act of kindness. For instance, offer nice compliments to people around you, or make a donation, however small, to a meaningful cause, or lend help to solve someone else’s problem. Although it may not be directly related to your problems, amazingly enough, it will help you in some mysterious way.
If you wish to be happy, try doing things differently. On the way home, take a path other than your usual way. Try ordering a new dish instead of the same old food. Find a new song to listen to beyond your usual playlist. Change the location of the furniture in your house. Try out a book in a genre you don’t normally read, and buy some fresh flowers to put on the table. We feel happy when we experience positive newness.
If we equate happiness to “a feeling of pleasure,” we would spend far too much of our lives not being happy. They say that the ancient Greeks defined happiness as “the joy felt when one strives to manifest one’s own potential.”
Are you currently working toward realizing your full potential? Happiness is found in that journey toward realizing it.
If you want to be young at heart, learn something new. No matter how old you are, if you become a student, you will experience many sparks of joy from learning and feel young at heart. You will also discover how to become happy without having to rely on others.
Learning leads to growth. Growth brings happiness.
In our minds, we create a framework of various “conditions” for us to be happy. We think that if those conditions are met, we will be finally happy. But the truth is that you are unhappy because you have those conditions. They produce the sense of scarcity in your mind and prevent you from experiencing all the beauty and happiness in this present moment.
We become happy not because we finally got what we wanted, but because we finally relax without looking for it.
Finding peace in a restless mind
A lot of our lives are just like this. We mistakenly imagine that all our problems will somehow disappear if we achieve a long-sought-after goal and triumphantly enter the new world that lies beyond. However, this is not the case at all. In that world, too, there are new rules, different social hierarchies, and subtle discriminations waiting for us.
We must be cautious of equating happiness exclusively with the feeling of excitement that comes with accomplishing something significant.
There is an important discovery to be made here: if our ultimate goal is happiness, we won’t experience it as long as our mind remains restless while constantly seeking something else. When the mind stops trying to find happiness elsewhere and relaxes in the present moment, we often experience what we have been searching for. Therefore, rather than struggling ceaselessly to find those brief moments of respite, perhaps the quicker way to happiness and peace is learning how to relax our mind in the present moment and appreciate what we already have. Instead of living our lives under the premise that we must wait until we accomplish something big to be happy, we can practice gratitude now and become mindful of how blessed we are already. We can wait our whole lives for that perfect happy moment to arrive, or we can put our seeking mind to rest and discover that it is closer than we might have imagined.
4. When loneliness visits
American psychologist Carl Rogers explained we human beings are afraid that if we show other people who we really are, they might judge us or even reject us for our shortcomings instead of warmly accepting us. Although we want to have deeper connections with people by opening up and showing our true selves, there is no guarantee that they will support us. There is also a risk that they might even go around spreading our secrets to others. Therefore, we feel hesitant about letting people really see us, and continue to wear social masks. By hiding our true selves and interacting with people on a safe and superficial level, we do not risk being criticized or hurt by them. However, this also means that we cannot make any deep and meaningful bonds in such meetings, so we are often left with the feeling of loneliness in our hearts.
The reason we have difficulties in our relationships is that we don’t have much desire to understand the other person, while having a far greater need for them to understand us. So we tell the other person to listen to us for a moment, with neither of us actually listening to the other, but instead each trying to say what we want to say. As a result, we raise our voices and grow further apart.
The reason we are lonely is not that there are no people around us, but because our hearts are closed to them. Have the courage to open up and speak to them first. You will be surprised to discover how many things you have in common.
Loneliness is the poverty of self;
May Sarton
Solitude is the richness of self.
Our distress does not come from the given reality. Instead, it comes from our mind’s interpretation of it. The reality is, as it were, raw data, while it is the mind’s job to give it meaning. Hence, depending on your interpretation, the same reality can be felt in wildly different ways. If you can, interpret it in a way that can benefit you.
Although we cannot change events that have already happened, we possess the power to control our interpretation of them and how we choose to react to them. We can consider the unhappy incident to be the turning point that we have been waiting for to transform our lives for the better.
A new era of “alone together”
Alone together: We may share the same space, but our minds have gone to different places through different smartphone apps.
If we really want to overcome the new loneliness, we have to be willing to experience some inconveniences and have more face-to-face meetings.
A reporter who has met a lot of successful people once told me, “The thing about successful people is that no matter how many other people they meet, they never get tired.” New opportunities and ideas are discovered when talking to people.
If you really want to improve your life, don’t wait passively for someone to come and change it. Instead, actively look for people who can guide you. When you make the first move, the universe will respond. If you don’t knock on the door, it will stay closed.
Seeing loneliness as it is
Show others our genuine self. Everyone wears a social mask that is suited to the role they play. However, if we want to form a deep and genuine relationship, you must occasionally show your other sides such as our vulnerability, weakness, playfulness, innocence and humor. Then the other person will show the genuine self that they have hidden behind their role. Naturally the two will feel a deeper connection and grow much closer.
5. When facing uncertainty
The courage to say “I can’t”
One of the most important factors in happiness is the level of control we have over the direction of our lives. Participating in activities that alighn with our indivuidual desires and needs as opposed to conforming to external expectations, instills us with a heightened sense of ownership and direction, resulting in a happier existence.
Many lack the courage to say “I can’t do it” or “This is not the right path for me.” Instead, they follow the expectations set by those around them, rather than charting their own course. It is important to learn how to give up in order to be happy. Giving up does not mean being passive; it means allowing yourself to discover a new path.
It’s okay to say “I can’t do it.” Maybe this path is not the right one for you. If you stop following what other people are doing and start asking yourself what the right path is for you, you can become much happier than if you had passed that exam. If you look back ten or twenty years from today, you might even say that failing the exam was the best thing that ever happened to you. It was a blessing in disguise! So even if you feel at a loss right now, work up the courage to explore your own path.
When your mind has become calm, use the power of that calmness to examine whether you really must continue what you are doing, which way is the right direction for you, and what it is that you really want from this life. The wisdom in that calmness will give you the answers.
Gather your courage and keep moving forward. Mistakes, failure, and uncertainty are all threads in the tapestry of life. If you feel sad about falling short of your potential, use that feeling as a motivation to aim higher and to explore new possibilities. Success is not a destination but a continuous process of learning, adapting, connecting, and evolving. Trust your instincts to achieve greatness and don’t settle for mediocrity.
If you do not know what you like, you will desire what others desire. Since you have no standards, you will have no choice but to pursue what everyone wants. Unfortunately, such desires are often expensive, or there is a lot of competition for them
We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.
Arthur Schopenhauer
Don’t feel anxious just because your future seems uncertain. You can only see the road ahead of you one bit at a time, not the entire road all at once. Likewise, you can only dream about your future one bit at a time. Unexpected opportunities will be revealed to you as you continue to walk the road.
If you feel that life is hard, so hard that even walking feels tiring and burdensome, then walk more slowly, taking only half-steps at a time. As you walk slowly, at a comfortable speed, you will realize that life has been hard lately because you were going faster than you could manage.
The two me’s inside of me
Psychologically speaking, the multiple me’s can be grouped into two basic categories. One is the “me of me”, the self that I want to be, and the other is the “me of others,” the self that family and society expect me to be. Most people do ultimately find the “me of me” as they grow older.
That being said, if we completely ignore the “me of others” as we live our lives, our relationships with others may sour needlessly. Therefore, the most desirable way of living seems to be one that achieves a proper balance between the “me of others” and the “me of me.” Not living under the thumb of the “me of others,” always thinking about what others want, nor chasing only after the “me of me,” turning a cold shoulder to our relationships with others, but finding the happy balance between the two is, I believe, the answer to living an enjoyable and happy life.
Tips for an easier and simpler life:
- Don’t ask what others have said about you.
- Say up front what you like or don’t like.
- Let go of things outside of your control.
We are bombarded with negative news daily. However, it is important to consider how many of these news updates are truly necessary for our well-being. Remember, we have a choice not to be aware of every piece of negative news in the world at all times.
Is your belief about yourself holding you back from achieving your dreams? If you believe that you are unlovable or incapable, who planted that belief in you? Was it always yours? Or did you unwittingly start to believe what someone said to you?
Don’t let negative opinions of others dictate your future.
Stand up for yourself and tell them to back off.
You are in the driver’s seat of your own life, and have the power to make them disembark.
Once you have made your position clear, continue driving along the road you have intended to travel.
Those who have achieved their dreams or who have truly risen to a challenge won’t be so quick to tear down the dreams of others. If you look closely, you’ll notice that those without courage often belittle others and try to bring them down to their level.
Between “painful things that are familiar” and “unfamiliar things that can bring happiness,’ people often choose the familiar. There is no need to be that loyal to your pain. Even if you are afraid because it is unfamiliar, have courage and choose the path of happiness.
Don’t settle for small successes or the comfort of familiar situations. Continuously seek new knowledge from others by asking questions. When evaluating people, focus on their character, life experiences, and sense of humor, rather than external factors such as appearance, education, or family background. Stay connected with nature and reading, and keep your body active through exercise.
Listen first to the pain inside of you
When thoughts dwell on regrettable memories or anxious worries about the future, the author frees himself from the grip by shifting his focus to the sensations in his body. By paying attention to how his shoulder, stomach, or chest feels in the present moment, he breaks away from the mental loop of negative thoughts. This allows him to find peace and relaxation in the present and he comes to understand that it is only his own mind that is causing distress while the world around him remains undisturbed and peaceful. This method of focusing on the present moment through mindful awareness of physical sensations was introduced by Thich Nhat Nanh.
How can we restore these broken relationships? Thich Nhat Hanh has said that we must first listen to our own suffering. We need to devote our attention to discovering where this suffering is making our bodies tense and how it is making our hearts ache. If we first shine the light of loving attention on ourselves and become mindful of the pent-up emotional energy in our body and mind, that energy becomes softer and then gradually melts away. Only then will our minds be open to understanding the suffering of others. The next step is to reach out to those with whom we have had estranged relationships. Try to meet them face-to-face and listen attentively to their stories of suffering. This only becomes possible when we have first listened to the pain inside of ourselves and realised that their pain and our pain do not exist independently but are interconnected.
Have I thoroughly listened to the suffering inside of me? People spend a lot more time paying attention to external objects. As such, we are not accustomed to observing the feelings in our bodies and minds carefully. But to be healed, we need to redirect the light of our loving attention toward our inner landscape.
6. When enlightenment has yet to occur
Ways of living harmoniously
Don’t insist on doing things in your own way.
When we are living with others, we make an effort to adjust to each other so that we can live in harmony.
Decide from the very beginning that you will work more
Accept the given situation with a positive mind
Am I focusing right now on the objective or not?
When I am unable to concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing, I begin to see faults in others. But I know that the flaws of others are, in a sense, my own flaws, appearing in the mirror of my own mind. If I did not have similar flaws, they would not bother me that much. At times like this, I try to return to the mindset I had when I first resolved to become enlightened, and calmly carry out my work without wavering from it.
Extracted from When Things Don’t Go Your Way : Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times
Criticizing others often leads to defensive behavior rather than fostering change. To effectively bring about transformation, start by understanding their perspective and communicate your suggestions for improvement respectfully. Without respect, advice is unlikely to be accepted.
Discovering your true self
On a warm spring day, I set everything aside and head to my little quiet place. A brief pause of even ten minutes in the hectic world can be restorative to both the body and the mind. If we sit quietly and look inward, we can see the continual appearance and disappearance of thoughts and feelings. It is relatively easy to notice the presence of thoughts and feelings while it is quite hard to recognise the quiet space after the thought or feeling has passed and before the next one has arisen. Until the emergence of a new thought or feeling, there is a tranquil silence that seems to be devoid of anything. Most of us are unaware of that empty space and simply let it pass us by. This is because, unlike thoughts and feelings, tranquil silence is shapeless so it is impossible to grasp.
Extracted from When Things Don’t Go Your Way : Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times
I will do away with theoretical explanations and cut straight to the chase. What existed before thoughts and feelings arise, and what will remain the same after those thoughts and feelings disappear, is your awareness. When no thought or feeling appears in your awareness, you experience it as tranquil silence, much like the state of dreamless sleep. It is formless, empty, transparent, and peaceful. It is also the ground upon which you exist, and out of which all aspects of you are created. If you look closely, you will be able to see that all thoughts and feelings emerge out of your silent awareness, reveal themselves momentarily, and then disappear back into the silence after a time. In other words, your awareness creates all forms, provides room for them to exist, and reabsorbs them when it is time for them to go.
Now, let us take one step further and explore exactly where this tranquil silence is located. First, close your eyes, breathe in deeply, and let your mind settle down. Then, see if you can recognize the quiet space after a thought has passed and right before a new one has arisen. Feel this tranquil silence. When you can sense the silence, ask if this tranquility exists only inside your body, or outside your body as well? Does the tranquility inside the body exist in a different form from the tranquility outside the body, or is it just one seamless tranquility? Put away the conceptual mind that likes to analyze, and instead just feel this tranquil space in your awareness and let the answer arise naturally from it.
Let us go even deeper and examine if we can find the edge of this tranquil silence. Can you reach its edge? Can you find the beginning or the ending of the silence? Is there any limit in this wide-open space of your awareness? Is there any center? Finally, can you sully your tranquil awareness or change its nature permanently? No matter how loud a sound you make, the silence soon recovers and returns unscathed to its original tranquil form, doesn’t it? It is completely unbreakable and imperishable as it does not have any form. You can neither lose it nor make it disappear. It is eternally here.
I sincerely hope that you will become aware of this transparent silence in your own awareness. There within, you will also find deep serenity, eternal freedom, a wellspring of creativity, and a warm acceptance.
Extracted from When Things Don’t Go Your Way : Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
Enlightenment is realizing the oneness of the world, not just with your head but with your heart. The next time you feel joy from making others happy, take a moment to reflect on whether there is a distinction between your own joy and theirs.
The tale of Roundy’s great journey
… being unable to see or hear anything could be so peacefyl and warm.
